Sexual Disaster: Part One

As I attempt to describe the warfare that has dominated much of my life, I find it an extremely difficult thing to do. Its not so much that it’s a hard thing to talk about, but its overwhelming to ponder, process, and organize the multitude of early experiences and life circumstances that shaped who I am and contributed to the soul struggle that I deal with everyday. Allow me to begin with where and when everything started…

I first stumbled across porn when I was 9 years old. My step father had a magazine hidden under his dresser drawer. Being a curious child I usually snooped through every closet and corner in the house, looking for something to appease my ever-so active mind. When I found this particular magazine, I was of course shocked by the pictures, and I ran to my mother asking for clarity. “Momma, what is this?” My mother laughed it off and simply told me to put it back or she would tell my stepfather (which would not have been a good thing). That “brushing aside” was a fundamental moment that mapped the trajectory of my life in a matter of seconds. I was highly influenced, entirely undereducated, and was hooked without even knowing what hooked me. I began to search for rated R movies that might be hidden in the household stash in order to get a secret second glimpse. When I would stay at my grandmother’s house, I would look for “bad” movies on her TV late at night. The possibilities were endless. I was in full sprint towards anything erotic. The hunger began to grow! My desire was less easily satisfied as it became more complex, and I even developed preferences of what I wanted to see. At an age where my brain was still developing, I was creating a habit of supply and demand with the demand growing astronomically and the supply becoming discretely and shamefully acquired. I became a master at covering my tracks. Practice makes perfect, right? After all, my grandmother would have knocked the tongue out of my mouth if she ever caught me. I’m still not sure how I knew it was such a taboo thing then because the subject was never discussed… It was that one moment where I learned to associate those activities as shameful and they needed to be kept secret. This would become the narrative that followed me through the years of my struggle with porn. 

As the years progressed, I was taught a myriad of perspectives about sex. One was the idea that sex was O.K. as long as it was consensual and you were “smart” about it. Another distorted principle was to be careful not to “hook up” with everyone you meet but stay committed to one as long as you could. Whatever it was, it was ambiguous and never spoke true to the heart. 

I was 15 the first time I had sex. I was dating a girl who lived just a few blocks down the street. You can imagine the ways a hormonal teenage boy would use such a situation to his advantage. This of course not only gave me full access, but it made me drunk with what was offered. My vision was distorted and I ran down a rampant sexual path for the next 6 years of my life. My only fixation was always on the next encounter I was going to have with a female. I was surrounded with the same narrative and immersed in a culture where all guys my age were doing the same thing, so in my mind I was doing what I was supposed to! This addiction had become fueled with drugs and alcohol which created the recipe for horrible disaster. 

I found myself in lengthy relationships that were entirely based on physical pleasure. Any boundaries that might have been discussed were quickly discarded as insatiable desires devoured all rationale or clear thinking. Every relationship ended in emotional devastation and traumatic injury. Curiosity quickly turned into a habit, and that habit became an obsession that gave birth to full blown addiction for sex. Not only was I young, reckless, unsaved, and misguided, but I lost all ability to process my emotions, develop any genuine sense of identity or even live in reality. To this day, the consequences of such a sexually immersed adolescence produce inescapable visions and imagery that testify to a horrific and frightening past.

By the time I was 20, I wouldn’t even consider my sexual escapades to be “second nature”. My only nature was to search and secure someone to hook up with for a night, or even a few nights. It became the daily hunt and my utmost fixation. It had become a twisted game of manipulation and deceit, and I found myself becoming overly creative and aggressive as I tried to reenact what I had been taught all the years of extensive porn use. It was a never ending war trying to hush the desires that haunted me at the cost of all dignity, reason, and relationship. 

I was radically saved by God’s grace a few months before my 21st birthday. I knew it was important to make changes, but it took time for the deepest roots of sexual desire to be chopped off and pulled away. This is still an ongoing process!

My unbridled sexual deviance came to an end a year later after a particular encounter with a girl. We had gone to church together a few times, even talked about God, and it seemed like sex was the next natural thing to do since we were so attracted to one another. Thus, this night had been a “success” but I felt completely disgusted with myself. At 2 a.m., with overwhelming shame, I recanted our night to the girl and apologized for my foolishness. I then immediately called my pastor full of tears and completely broken. This was the first real step towards sexual victory. I faced the reality of what I was doing by telling someone the truth. 

Even after that night, I of course had trouble and still wandered down the dark halls of an impossible thing to give up. But I can thankfully rejoice in the fact that it’s been almost four years since I have had sex, and I plan to keep it that way until marriage. Pursuing a right understanding of sexuality is essential along with intentional abstinence. A true definition and ability to do so has only been made possible through a hard journey to articulate and understand the impact of our personal sexual disasters. The Holy Spirit has empowered me the entire way and brought people into my life to bear the burden with me and He promises the same for you. I am still learning to grieve memories and decisions I made, plus taking on the daily task of self-denial, taking up my cross as I seek to know the Lord. Temptations still exist, failure still finds its way when I become tired or lonely, but God’s grace is sufficient! 

So, is it possible to fully overcome this? Is it realistic to think that we can break these sin cycles and embrace singleness or pursue marriage the way God intended? Yes, yes, and yes. But it’s a battle. Well, its really more than a battle. It’s a war. A serious and sacred war.

A war for virginity, for our purity, for marriage and singleness, for clarity, for sanctification, for understanding and wisdom, and ultimately for our devotion to God and His Word. We are Sacred beings, we are holy and set apart for God’s purposes. As believers we are filled with the Spirit of God. So we’ve got to fight against this enemy that is seeking to destroy our Sacred lives.